The Queer Rebellion of Embracing Your Body As It Is

There are two things I never thought I’d do:  go bare legged in public without shaving, and wear short shorts.

I did both of these things last weekend, while playing in a roller derby tournament.  And I survived.  I won’t say there weren’t moments of doubt and self-consciousness, but they were minimal, just minor irritations I could brush away.

For some, this won’t seem like such a big deal.  But for me, this is HUGE.   Continue reading

There’s No Big Question, There’s No Big Answer – I Just Don’t Have Children

When I was thirteen, the approaching millennium was an exciting thing, some distant and magical future.  We would talk about where we’d be, who we’d be, what we’d be doing.  I don’t remember every laying down any specifics, other than the unemotional assumption that I’d be married – to a man – and have children. Continue reading

this time, I mean it

It wasn’t that I forgot, more that I got distracted. I was still having the ideas, just not extracting them from my brain in anything other than status form. I even forgot to press the publish button for my last post, but it was nice and summery and right now it is dreich as all wintry get out so I just did it just now. CRAZY I KNOW.

Anyways. 2014 started out, well, not great. 2015 has started out a lot better. (It actually started out with some violent vomiting but let’s not go into that right now. Let’s just say, not my fault, mkay?)

So yeah. Last year was mixed. Some things weren’t great. I still don’t really have a home to speak of… I moved out of my dad’s into a flatshare, which is, you know – fine. Just not what I’m used to, or where I expected to be. But everyone living here is lovely and I have a nice room and I can park outside and it’s next to a park. I still get *menstrual migraines* (I puked in public for the first time ever!) and the grimmest pmt, periods, and now *wooo* ovulations. Super. I still have dodgy knees, and maybe body. I click when I move. I still have no assets or prospects. I still miss my mum like nothing I have known, I’m still so sad and angry that she isn’t here anymore and sometimes it hits me so hard I can’t breathe.

But guess what? There has been good stuff too. I still have an amazing family and have had lovely times with all of them throughout the last year, and had a lovely lovely family holiday in Wigtown in the sunshine. I still have a job, I still make a tiny difference in a tiny corner of the world. Also I got to go to America! I went to Oregon to line manage our roller derby all-stars, and had a wonderful time with wonderful people. I got a roller derby holiday in Oslo, too!

And I started a post-grad. I’m a student now, whut?? I’m doing MLitt in Gender Studies at Stirling Uni. I gave myself no notice, deciding to do it the week it began. SPONTANEOUS MEGA COMMITMENT. It’s over two years but still plenty work, particularly for someone not from *the academy*. Good news is I love it so far, although I might have forgot that as I cobbled together two essays with a migraine the night before the deadline o.O

And. AND. I met a person. I have a person. I have an amazing, wonderful, beautiful person. I haplessly nursed a crush for months, clueless that it was requited. How could it be? But it was, it is, and five months and a lot of *feelings* on, I am starting to accept that I am loved – but more importantly, that I can, and do, love too.

2015 – BRING IT.