There’s No Big Question, There’s No Big Answer – I Just Don’t Have Children

When I was thirteen, the approaching millennium was an exciting thing, some distant and magical future.  We would talk about where we’d be, who we’d be, what we’d be doing.  I don’t remember every laying down any specifics, other than the unemotional assumption that I’d be married – to a man – and have children. Continue reading


For Auld Lang Syne

I’m just going to get this out of the way.  I’ve had a crappy couple of years, alright?  There’s a line in the film Bridesmaids which I could have used a number of times over the last while:  “Remember when you thought I hit bottom? That wasn’t bottom!”

I begin 2014 single, forty, and living with my dad.  As a good friend put it, “it doesn’t look good on paper.”

Things changed quite a lot for me in 2013.  My thirteen year relationship came to an end in March.  My mum died in May.  The two people who’d always been there for me suddenly weren’t.  It was like being set adrift and it was scary and sad.

Then in December, I packed my forty years into boxes and moved.  I went from a house on the north side of the city to a room on the south side.  New year, new view.

And when thinking about what may have been The Worst Year Of My Life ™, I realise that there was a lot of good too.  These are some things that broke through the salty clouds:

  • Being able to say goodbye, and thanks, to my mum
  • All the laughter and love amidst the awfulness of her dying and death
  • Reading and hearing about what my mum meant to so many people and what a difference she had made in/with her life
  • Still being friends with and having a laugh with my ex
  • Having a proper job and being okay at it and being recognised for that
  • Making a little bit of a difference to people’s lives with the work that I do
  • My wonderful siblings, dad and nieces and nephews making my fortieth birthday a happy day, even though it was less than a week after mum’s funeral
  • My family generally all being really awesome in their own ways
  • Realising that I have some good friends out there and that I don’t need to deal with everything on my own all the time
  • Roller Derby still being there for me not just once (after breaking my leg the previous year) but again after missing a shit ton of practice due to lying around crying/eating/drinking
  • Selling the house quickly
  • Getting an amazing allotment after seven years on the waiting list
  • Living in Edinburgh with easy access to beautiful retreats like Blackford Hill or the Water of Leith
  • Parks and Recreation (they are all my friends.  All of them).

I will stop there before I just list a lot of telly.  I love telly.

So I mean obviously I’m still feeling pretty bruised and battered but there’s a sneaking sense of excitement there too.  Who knows what the future may hold for me?  I’m going to try really hard not to just pootle through life like I have a tendency to but even if I do then THAT’S OKAY I’m not going to beat myself up, I’m just going to write about it instead.

You’re welcome.