There’s No Big Question, There’s No Big Answer – I Just Don’t Have Children

When I was thirteen, the approaching millennium was an exciting thing, some distant and magical future.  We would talk about where we’d be, who we’d be, what we’d be doing.  I don’t remember every laying down any specifics, other than the unemotional assumption that I’d be married – to a man – and have children. Continue reading


Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Whose Gaze Matters Most of All? 

I graduated the other week.  After two years of part-time study, alongside two part-time jobs, a house move, an employment change and being rostered onto two roller derby travel teams, I achieved my M.Litt – with distinction – in Gender Studies.  I should have been ready to mark this occasion, looking forward to celebrating my achievement.  But mostly, I spent the run up to the ceremony worrying about what to wear. Continue reading

the changing body fortunes of a woman in her forties…

…specifically, me.  An age is just a number – or, a gateway into a weird, dark, unsettling place full of doctors’ waiting rooms and sympathetic nods and new prescriptions and ominous letters from the NHS.  (And praise be for the NHS.)

weight gain



breast cysts

ovarian cysts

polyps (actually just the one but it was a whopper)


periods: heavy, whole body painful, unpredictable…

…or not periods. who knows. still hurts like fuck though. sore boobs 4eva

perma pms.  what with the no period thing.

joints.  which I mentioned but seriously.  Fucken JOINTS

Okay, I know I’m too guilty of self-deprecating creaky age jokes (funny because they’re true though).  I mean I also think it’s weird to celebrate age (FUCK YEAH FORTY FUCKING TWO BITCHES) as if it’s not just some accident of birth or circumstance, there’s not really anything I can do about how old I am.  BUT.  You know, despite all the weird changes it’s going through and the distinct lack of love and respect I give it, my bod can carry me through a couple of back to back crazy tough derby games as if it ain’t no thang, so hey – it’s pretty amazing.

Things People Have Said About My Body and Appearance

What a bag of bones
You could drive a truck through those legs
Those are good child bearing hips
Nice arse (friend jumps in – don’t chat her up, she’s got grey hair)
You’re a total milf
I’m not even interested anyway, you haven’t even got any tits
How will that stay up? (about a strapless dress, while looking at my breasts)
You’re only light cos you don’t have any tits
Someone’s run away with your tits (after a one night stand, grabbing my breasts)
YOU’VE NOT EVEN GOT ANY FUCKING TITS ANYWAY (angry drunk friend of a boyfriend, in a very populated beer garden)
Nice breasts
You look like one of those models
Are you pregnant?
You’ve put on weight
You’ve lost weight
You don’t look that heavy
Where do you put it all?
I would never have guessed how much you weigh
You look great, skinny and great (after broken leg/painkiller induced weight loss)
You do have very sturdy legs
You’ve got weird bony shoulders
Your ribs show
Is that a boy or a girl
Is that a man or a lady
You’ve got really hairy toes
You’re really hairy
So…do you not shave?
That’s not very lady like (on my unshaved legs)
What’s wrong with your eyebrows?
Your friend is much prettier
Are you the ugly best friend?
Ugly bitch
Can you get me some heroin?
I think you need a bit of fake tan
You look so much better now, before you had all this grey hair
Why would you cut your hair like that?
Do you regret cutting your hair off?
Wow that suits you so much better like that




cheer up it might never happen


ad nauseum